Yes time to start talking to myself again I guess since I'm the only one I can really truly talk to about everything since once again I feel like I have to hide stuff from everyone
I don't know why but every time alejandro calls me now I just feel sad/down out of the blue once we start talking - I feel like there's never anything to say and he has a million things going on and I'm just all alone and just don't get happy talking to him like I used to
And I feel like there were a couple days where I was able to be so open with him about how I was feeling, and then the giselle thing happened and then I had to hold everything in again, especially everything I was feeling surrounding that
And I felt better after writing a journal post about all that stuff, but just ended up deleting it because I knew that reading my post was just gonna hurt him more/ dump so much more on him than he should have to handle, so then never got to resolve the things I wish he had been doing differently,
and he just did so many things surrounding that that really hurt me, but I can't even get closure about it because he didn't want to talk more about it, and I don't know how to move on (not just from what happened with him and her, but mostly from the stuff that was upsetting me SO much leading up to like half an hour before that happened)
mm and like i'm just so uncomfortable, so feel so uncomfortable and disrespected and like what i put in the journal, he just was doing so much painful stuff and i don't know why he was doing these things
like, idk maybe I'm just more willing to be firm with people, but also like i always feel the need to reach out more than he does, and yeah i guess it just hurts too that it's so easy for other things to take priority for him, whereas i like to look for any chance to interact with him, or rearrange with other people in my life to make room for him, and yeah just even little things keep adding on to the pain
And there's so much on my mind all the time and just so much pain pain pain about stuff that I can never focus on anything I'm supposed to be doing, and I don't even know where it's COMING FROM god where is it coming from
And yeah also I just don't really feel excited about things with doing things with him anymore
Dance is shit because I'm always obsessing over something revolving around him that's bringing me down, not that I can expect things to be all good but yeah just constantly have this heavy feeling inside me, always upset about something even if it's not something to be upset about
i mean yeah this weekend was much better with him but there were moments of just such heaviness being with him
Or maybe it's just me since I can tell my depression is coming back, like I just recognize the effects of it slowly seeping onto me, and I know I'm slowly starting fall back into my eating disorder issues but tbh I don't even care
But yes I'm just sad all the time and now I'm mad because I just hate the world and I hate my life and I want to die and I just hate everything and nothing is good and nothing is okay and there's always something lurking around the corner that fucks everything up but it's fine because I'm a fuck up
And I have like zero friends
yet my life is better than soooo many other people in this world
so why am I just so unhappy
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