things have been feeling much better in the past few months
i definitely feel like i'm past that slump i had a few months ago, and i feel more strongly for him than ever
he makes me really really happy and i dont ever want to lose him
but for some reason there are always things that bring me down
sex is the big one, and has been for a long time now
- a few months ago i remember i was sad allllll the time because i felt like our relationship lacked passion, mm or i missed how it was at the beginning of our relationship, where whenever we got home/had privacy, he'd always make out with me and move us over to the bed and we'd have sex
- or like we'd be cuddling and he would start kissing my neck and touching me and we'd do it, and it was so nice to feel like he wanted me/couldn't get enough of me, but that kind of went away over time
- and now the issue is that + less frequency now, which makes me sad because i feel like i find sex so much more important than he does, and it makes me feel so shitty every time i try to initiate and he ignores it or tells me to stop, or if we're cuddling and i can feel him getting hard but then he just rolls away onto his back, when in the past he would've pulled my pants down
and also a big thing that i still struggle with is that when we have sex, it's never as emotionally intimate as I wish it were. Like I just want to look into each other's eyes and kiss a lot and just feel super deeply connected. And sometimes I just wish there was some buildup and intimacy there, like neck kisses and body kisses and making me feel beautiful through physicality instead of just occasionally telling me.
It bothers me a lot because for me, you can achieve a really deep level of connection and intimacy through sex that you just can't get through anything else. But it always seems like to him it's just a lot more about the physical and that part of sex just doesn't seem like something he cares about. And I mean, I also like it a lot when it's just fun and physical, but sometimes I just need that emotional deepness and romance to it, without all the dirty talk
And in the past when I've brought it up, he always said that he couldn't do it that way because of where we were doing it, but emotion doesn't come from location, I just want sweetness and love
I don't want to always feel like the same type of sex we had when we were just hooking up, because there should be more there. And it sucks that it's only been a few times where I felt like it was emotional, and i'm pretty sure all but like one of those times was because we were making up after a fight and i was already feeling emotional. And every time I try to tell him to slow down or just kiss me or anything, he just brushes it aside and keeps it strictly physical
and it hurts that he doesn't love me after over a year. and i'm sick of sarah and niki asking me about it and telling me that it's been way too long. and it hurts when i remember him telling me a few times how much he loved his ex. and i hate that he inadvertently makes me doubt myself every day, always wondering what i should be doing differently or what i'm lacking or what is keeping him from loving me
and it hurts to see so many couples around me telling each other 'i love you' all the time, because i'm always here wondering why i'm not good enough to have my boyfriend feel that way, and wondering why he's dating me if he felt more strongly in his past relationship than he does with me
and i hate that because of the sex thing, my self confidence is so messed up because now i wear bras more often so that my boobs look better in case he'll be more interested, or that i wear shorts even when it's chilly because maybe if he sees my legs he'll be more interested, or that i avoid taking my makeup off in front of him so that i don't look too cute in case that turns him off
and i'm so worried that i'm eventually going to want to break up over it, because sex is so so important to me and i need that type of deep connection/intimacy and it's so different from the type of intimacy he prefers, but i need BOTH types, and we differ so much on how we view it,
and as time goes on, there will just be more and more things each day that will take priority over it, like right now even stupid things like filling up his blender bottle are higher on his list than the 10 minutes it would take to have sex, and the biggest problem is that it doesn't matter to him enough to even care if sex gets pushed aside in favor of other things, when in reality they can all get done. and i don't know if I can be with someone for a long period of time who doesn't care about it like i do.
and it's not fair because whenever he wants to cuddle, i cuddle with him even if i'm not in the mood, and he told me that it should go both ways and that i should try to initiate more and he said that he would almost always be down unless it was too late at night or he was working on other things, but every single time i've tried he has never wanted to and it makes me feel so shitty
and i'm sick of crying and feeling sad and rejected by my own boyfriend over and over and over, and honestly if this goes on for more than a few more months i will probably really consider breaking up with him because this is a pretty foundational incompatibility to me, and i can't do this forever.
i literally have been thinking lately about deciding not to have kids in the future (regardless of who i end up with) because i'm scared that the time consumption and tiredness that comes with having kids will mean i have to say goodbye to having physical intimacy in my relationship
and he always tells me he doesn't know how to help me feel better and stop being sad about this, but literally i just want him to want to have sex with me, or just put in the effort to do it. He says on some level he's almost always down, so why is it so impossible to just act on that more often? When he would rather do literally any other mundane task instead of it, it makes it so hard to believe that he actually wants to, because if he did then he would just do it
i just wish it mattered to him the way it matters to me and is meaningful to me
