2.23.18

mini post about friends

just got home from being out with my friends

mm yeah i realized that i just dont feel happy hanging out with my friends anymore, and tbh this started happening after all the things alejandro used to say about them, like that they were fake, that his friends were better than my friends, that i was a shit person because i have shitty friends who are like that and make me like that, etc

and just since then, like last semester and this semester, ive just not wanted to spend time with them because i just have such negative associations with them now, and every time i'm with them, i'm analyzing how he'd perceive them vs his own friends and i just am always not happy spending time with them because of it

and the pain and negativity of what he always used to say just doesnt go away and has just left such a sour taste in my mouth with my friendships that i almost just want to drop all my friends and start over with new ones now

i just wish he could have let me be happy with my friends instead of ruining this for me

i dont have a lot of people in my life and it just hurts so much to lose these ones too

2.22.18

Been cleaning a lot heh getting organized and stuff

It's tiring but I know it's good for me and also I felt like such shit with being messy especially since alejandro is always so clean and organized

and sometimes i just feel like a failure when I see all the things he's working on and doing, like he's actually producing tangible things that people can see

and i just feel like i do nothing/ am very unaccomplished in my personal life

and also with our relationship i just don't know these days
i feel like we have a much healthier relationship for sure, but i also feel more closed into myself
and just disconnected from him a lot
and i don't feel as strongly as i used to, which i hate hate hate and when he asks me if i like him more and more every day i just.. i don't know what to say because the truth is, i don't

when i look at how i feel now compared to how i felt a few months ago, i just feel much more pulled away and just don't enjoy being with him the same way i used to

and yeah i feel like i used to be so so so so happy with him and just feel so strongly, but now i'm just several notches below where i was at before

and i don't feel like we have anything to talk about anymore, like when we have conversations i don't even know what to talk about, so i just kind of hope he has stuff to move the conversation along but i definitely don't feel with him like i do with my friends, where we could just talk for hours and hours about things, i feel like with him we always have to be doing something otherwise there is just nothing there

and i don't want to lie to him, but i would feel sooooo so hurt if he told me he was losing feelings, and i don't know if this is just a phase but i really hope it is

also the whole finding a place to live thing is also really saddening because i wanted so much to be at a place where we could move in together but we just aren't, and even if we were, i don't think he'd want to anyway because he's doing so much stuff right now and just needs to focus on that, and i just worry about our future as a couple sometimes.. but it seems like months ago it seemed a like a real possibility that we would move in together but now our relationship seems so far from that

sigh just so uncertain

First post since high school

Finally was able to access this blog LOL I was logged into my other one from like 2010/2011/12 so weird but yay here's this one

Yes time to start talking to myself again I guess since I'm the only one I can really truly talk to about everything since once again I feel like I have to hide stuff from everyone

I don't know why but every time alejandro calls me now I just feel sad/down out of the blue once we start talking - I feel like there's never anything to say and he has a million things going on and I'm just all alone and just don't get happy talking to him like I used to

And I feel like there were a couple days where I was able to be so open with him about how I was feeling, and then the giselle thing happened and then I had to hold everything in again, especially everything I was feeling surrounding that

And I felt better after writing a journal post about all that stuff, but just ended up deleting it because I knew that reading my post was just gonna hurt him more/ dump so much more on him than he should have to handle, so then never got to resolve the things I wish he had been doing differently,

 and he just did so many things surrounding that that really hurt me, but I can't even get closure about it because he didn't want to talk more about it, and I don't know how to move on (not just from what happened with him and her, but mostly from the stuff that was upsetting me SO much leading up to like half an hour before that happened)

mm and like i'm just so uncomfortable, so feel so uncomfortable and disrespected and like what i put in the journal, he just was doing so much painful stuff and i don't know why he was doing these things

like, idk maybe I'm just more willing to be firm with people, but also like i always feel the need to reach out more than he does, and yeah i guess it just hurts too that it's so easy for other things to take priority for him, whereas i like to look for any chance to interact with him, or rearrange with other people in my life to make room for him, and yeah just even little things keep adding on to the pain 

And there's so much on my mind all the time and just so much pain pain pain about stuff that I can never focus on anything I'm supposed to be doing, and I don't even know where it's COMING FROM god where is it coming from

And yeah also I just don't really feel excited about things with doing things with him anymore

Dance is shit because I'm always obsessing over something revolving around him that's bringing me down, not that I can expect things to be all good but yeah just constantly have this heavy feeling inside me, always upset about something even if it's not something to be upset about

i mean yeah this weekend was much better with him but there were moments of just such heaviness being with him

Or maybe it's just me since I can tell my depression is coming back, like I just recognize the effects of it slowly seeping onto me, and I know I'm slowly starting fall back into my eating disorder issues but tbh I don't even care 

But yes I'm just sad all the time and now I'm mad because I just hate the world and I hate my life and I want to die and I just hate everything and nothing is good and nothing is okay and there's always something lurking around the corner that fucks everything up but it's fine because I'm a fuck up 

And I have like zero friends 

yet my life is better than soooo many other people in this world

 so why am I just so unhappy