2.22.18

Been cleaning a lot heh getting organized and stuff

It's tiring but I know it's good for me and also I felt like such shit with being messy especially since alejandro is always so clean and organized

and sometimes i just feel like a failure when I see all the things he's working on and doing, like he's actually producing tangible things that people can see

and i just feel like i do nothing/ am very unaccomplished in my personal life

and also with our relationship i just don't know these days
i feel like we have a much healthier relationship for sure, but i also feel more closed into myself
and just disconnected from him a lot
and i don't feel as strongly as i used to, which i hate hate hate and when he asks me if i like him more and more every day i just.. i don't know what to say because the truth is, i don't

when i look at how i feel now compared to how i felt a few months ago, i just feel much more pulled away and just don't enjoy being with him the same way i used to

and yeah i feel like i used to be so so so so happy with him and just feel so strongly, but now i'm just several notches below where i was at before

and i don't feel like we have anything to talk about anymore, like when we have conversations i don't even know what to talk about, so i just kind of hope he has stuff to move the conversation along but i definitely don't feel with him like i do with my friends, where we could just talk for hours and hours about things, i feel like with him we always have to be doing something otherwise there is just nothing there

and i don't want to lie to him, but i would feel sooooo so hurt if he told me he was losing feelings, and i don't know if this is just a phase but i really hope it is

also the whole finding a place to live thing is also really saddening because i wanted so much to be at a place where we could move in together but we just aren't, and even if we were, i don't think he'd want to anyway because he's doing so much stuff right now and just needs to focus on that, and i just worry about our future as a couple sometimes.. but it seems like months ago it seemed a like a real possibility that we would move in together but now our relationship seems so far from that

sigh just so uncertain