6.19.18

things have been feeling much better in the past few months

i definitely feel like i'm past that slump i had a few months ago, and i feel more strongly for him than ever

he makes me really really happy and i dont ever want to lose him

but for some reason there are always things that bring me down

sex is the big one, and has been for a long time now
- a few months ago i remember i was sad allllll the time because i felt like our relationship lacked passion, mm or i missed how it was at the beginning of our relationship, where whenever we got home/had privacy, he'd always make out with me and move us over to the bed and we'd have sex
 - or like we'd be cuddling and he would start kissing my neck and touching me and we'd do it, and it was so nice to feel like he wanted me/couldn't get enough of me, but that kind of went away over time

- and now the issue is that + less frequency now, which makes me sad because i feel like i find sex so much more important than he does, and it makes me feel so shitty every time i try to initiate and he ignores it or tells me to stop, or if we're cuddling and i can feel him getting hard but then he just rolls away onto his back, when in the past he would've pulled my pants down

and also a big thing that i still struggle with is that when we have sex, it's never as emotionally intimate as I wish it were. Like I just want to look into each other's eyes and kiss a lot and just feel super deeply connected. And sometimes I just wish there was some buildup and intimacy there, like neck kisses and body kisses and making me feel beautiful through physicality instead of just occasionally telling me.

It bothers me a lot because for me, you can achieve a really deep level of connection and intimacy through sex that you just can't get through anything else. But it always seems like to him it's just a lot more about the physical and that part of sex just doesn't seem like something he cares about. And I mean, I also like it a lot when it's just fun and physical, but sometimes I just need that emotional deepness and romance to it, without all the dirty talk 

And in the past when I've brought it up, he always said that he couldn't do it that way because of where we were doing it, but emotion doesn't come from location, I just want sweetness and love

I don't want to always feel like the same type of sex we had when we were just hooking up, because there should be more there. And it sucks that it's only been a few times where I felt like it was emotional, and i'm pretty sure all but like one of those times was because we were making up after a fight and i was already feeling emotional. And every time I try to tell him to slow down or just kiss me or anything, he just brushes it aside and keeps it strictly physical

and it hurts that he doesn't love me after over a year. and i'm sick of sarah and niki asking me about it and telling me that it's been way too long. and it hurts when i remember him telling me a few times how much he loved his ex. and i hate that he inadvertently makes me doubt myself every day, always wondering what i should be doing differently or what i'm lacking or what is keeping him from loving me

and it hurts to see so many couples around me telling each other 'i love you' all the time, because i'm always here wondering why i'm not good enough to have my boyfriend feel that way, and wondering why he's dating me if he felt more strongly in his past relationship than he does with me

and i hate that because of the sex thing, my self confidence is so messed up because now i wear bras more often so that my boobs look better in case he'll be more interested, or that i wear shorts even when it's chilly because maybe if he sees my legs he'll be more interested, or that i avoid taking my makeup off in front of him so that i don't look too cute in case that turns him off

and i'm so worried that i'm eventually going to want to break up over it, because sex is so so important to me and i need that type of deep connection/intimacy and it's so different from the type of intimacy he prefers, but i need BOTH types, and we differ so much on how we view it,

and as time goes on, there will just be more and more things each day that will take priority over it, like right now even stupid things like filling up his blender bottle are higher on his list than the 10 minutes it would take to have sex, and the biggest problem is that it doesn't matter to him enough to even care if sex gets pushed aside in favor of other things, when in reality they can all get done. and i don't know if I can be with someone for a long period of time who doesn't care about it like i do.

and it's not fair because whenever he wants to cuddle, i cuddle with him even if i'm not in the mood, and he told me that it should go both ways and that i should try to initiate more and he said that he would almost always be down unless it was too late at night or he was working on other things, but every single time i've tried he has never wanted to and it makes me feel so shitty

and i'm sick of crying and feeling sad and rejected by my own boyfriend over and over and over, and honestly if this goes on for more than a few more months i will probably really consider breaking up with him because this is a pretty foundational incompatibility to me, and i can't do this forever.

i literally have been thinking lately about deciding not to have kids in the future (regardless of who i end up with) because i'm scared that the time consumption and tiredness that comes with having kids will mean i have to say goodbye to having physical intimacy in my relationship

and he always tells me he doesn't know how to help me feel better and stop being sad about this, but literally i just want him to want to have sex with me, or just put in the effort to do it. He says on some level he's almost always down, so why is it so impossible to just act on that more often? When he would rather do literally any other mundane task instead of it, it makes it so hard to believe that he actually wants to, because if he did then he would just do it

i just wish it mattered to him the way it matters to me and is meaningful to me

2.23.18

mini post about friends

just got home from being out with my friends

mm yeah i realized that i just dont feel happy hanging out with my friends anymore, and tbh this started happening after all the things alejandro used to say about them, like that they were fake, that his friends were better than my friends, that i was a shit person because i have shitty friends who are like that and make me like that, etc

and just since then, like last semester and this semester, ive just not wanted to spend time with them because i just have such negative associations with them now, and every time i'm with them, i'm analyzing how he'd perceive them vs his own friends and i just am always not happy spending time with them because of it

and the pain and negativity of what he always used to say just doesnt go away and has just left such a sour taste in my mouth with my friendships that i almost just want to drop all my friends and start over with new ones now

i just wish he could have let me be happy with my friends instead of ruining this for me

i dont have a lot of people in my life and it just hurts so much to lose these ones too

2.22.18

Been cleaning a lot heh getting organized and stuff

It's tiring but I know it's good for me and also I felt like such shit with being messy especially since alejandro is always so clean and organized

and sometimes i just feel like a failure when I see all the things he's working on and doing, like he's actually producing tangible things that people can see

and i just feel like i do nothing/ am very unaccomplished in my personal life

and also with our relationship i just don't know these days
i feel like we have a much healthier relationship for sure, but i also feel more closed into myself
and just disconnected from him a lot
and i don't feel as strongly as i used to, which i hate hate hate and when he asks me if i like him more and more every day i just.. i don't know what to say because the truth is, i don't

when i look at how i feel now compared to how i felt a few months ago, i just feel much more pulled away and just don't enjoy being with him the same way i used to

and yeah i feel like i used to be so so so so happy with him and just feel so strongly, but now i'm just several notches below where i was at before

and i don't feel like we have anything to talk about anymore, like when we have conversations i don't even know what to talk about, so i just kind of hope he has stuff to move the conversation along but i definitely don't feel with him like i do with my friends, where we could just talk for hours and hours about things, i feel like with him we always have to be doing something otherwise there is just nothing there

and i don't want to lie to him, but i would feel sooooo so hurt if he told me he was losing feelings, and i don't know if this is just a phase but i really hope it is

also the whole finding a place to live thing is also really saddening because i wanted so much to be at a place where we could move in together but we just aren't, and even if we were, i don't think he'd want to anyway because he's doing so much stuff right now and just needs to focus on that, and i just worry about our future as a couple sometimes.. but it seems like months ago it seemed a like a real possibility that we would move in together but now our relationship seems so far from that

sigh just so uncertain

First post since high school

Finally was able to access this blog LOL I was logged into my other one from like 2010/2011/12 so weird but yay here's this one

Yes time to start talking to myself again I guess since I'm the only one I can really truly talk to about everything since once again I feel like I have to hide stuff from everyone

I don't know why but every time alejandro calls me now I just feel sad/down out of the blue once we start talking - I feel like there's never anything to say and he has a million things going on and I'm just all alone and just don't get happy talking to him like I used to

And I feel like there were a couple days where I was able to be so open with him about how I was feeling, and then the giselle thing happened and then I had to hold everything in again, especially everything I was feeling surrounding that

And I felt better after writing a journal post about all that stuff, but just ended up deleting it because I knew that reading my post was just gonna hurt him more/ dump so much more on him than he should have to handle, so then never got to resolve the things I wish he had been doing differently,

 and he just did so many things surrounding that that really hurt me, but I can't even get closure about it because he didn't want to talk more about it, and I don't know how to move on (not just from what happened with him and her, but mostly from the stuff that was upsetting me SO much leading up to like half an hour before that happened)

mm and like i'm just so uncomfortable, so feel so uncomfortable and disrespected and like what i put in the journal, he just was doing so much painful stuff and i don't know why he was doing these things

like, idk maybe I'm just more willing to be firm with people, but also like i always feel the need to reach out more than he does, and yeah i guess it just hurts too that it's so easy for other things to take priority for him, whereas i like to look for any chance to interact with him, or rearrange with other people in my life to make room for him, and yeah just even little things keep adding on to the pain 

And there's so much on my mind all the time and just so much pain pain pain about stuff that I can never focus on anything I'm supposed to be doing, and I don't even know where it's COMING FROM god where is it coming from

And yeah also I just don't really feel excited about things with doing things with him anymore

Dance is shit because I'm always obsessing over something revolving around him that's bringing me down, not that I can expect things to be all good but yeah just constantly have this heavy feeling inside me, always upset about something even if it's not something to be upset about

i mean yeah this weekend was much better with him but there were moments of just such heaviness being with him

Or maybe it's just me since I can tell my depression is coming back, like I just recognize the effects of it slowly seeping onto me, and I know I'm slowly starting fall back into my eating disorder issues but tbh I don't even care 

But yes I'm just sad all the time and now I'm mad because I just hate the world and I hate my life and I want to die and I just hate everything and nothing is good and nothing is okay and there's always something lurking around the corner that fucks everything up but it's fine because I'm a fuck up 

And I have like zero friends 

yet my life is better than soooo many other people in this world

 so why am I just so unhappy 

I am so sad all the time

I feel so lonely every day. I don't really have friends. I have "friends" but I don't really connect with them anymore. It's so lonely just being here in my room. I have nowhere to sit at lunch. Everyone else is so happy. I don't remember what it's like to be happy. I don't have a best friend anymore. Lydia is my "best friend" but she embarrasses me by hanging out with weird nerds. I've just drifted apart from everyone. I don't know what to talk about anymore. People get annoyed when I talk anyway. Hannah and Nicole have started to notice that I'm sad all the time. I almost cried when Nicole asked me if I was okay because no one really seems to care anymore. I'm fat and ugly and I can't even smile or talk without hating my teeth. No guys like me, think I'm pretty, or even want to talk to me. I have no talent. My jeans don't fit anymore and I'm going through restricting/bingeing cycles really bad. I want to die. Actually, I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I'm cutting less though, because Mommy and I aren't fighting quite as much. I am so sad all the time though and I don't know how to get out. I just don't want to feel anymore. No one seems to care anyway. It's so hard when people talk about their weekends because I was just home alone in my room. It's even harder when my friends send me Snapchats of them hanging out and no one wanted to invite me. That one day with Alice and the State Fair made me laugh for real for the first time in years. I wish everyday was like that. I wish I were happy. No one likes me. I don't know what to do. I'm too scared to talk to anyone because I don't think they'll like me. Why can't I just be one of those regular confident girls I see in the hallways? It hurts so so so so much. I don't post anything on Facebook because no one likes my statuses and pictures. I don't use Twitter or Instagram because I'm positive no one will follow me and that will just be so embarrassing. Everyone I know is so much cooler than me. No one likes me. I am just so lonely.